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Oh Why Am I Meditating Again?

January 2026

A few weeks ago, I completed a silent meditation course. Overall, it was much less painful than what I’d experienced at previous retreats, with some genuinely enjoyable moments. Still, there were challenging times when I wondered, “Why am I doing this? Why am I meditating again?”

At one stage, I wondered if perhaps I was part of a massive conspiracy, pretending I want to meditate along with everyone else when really, who wants to meditate? No one. “No one wants to meditate”, I thought to myself, as though it were a revelation. “Everyone at this course is fooling themselves, taking time off work and away from loved ones, acting like we want to meditate. None of us wish to be here, and nobody will admit it.”

Occasionally I would have a lovely, peaceful session, after which I’d question why anyone in the world would ever choose not to engage in this wonderful practice called meditation. This would typically be followed by another tedious, challenging round where I’d fight to remember what my motivation could possibly be for enduring such a pointless ordeal. I thought of a previous article I’d written on why there’s no time to not meditate but couldn’t recall what reason had been given. Something to do with intuitive development, maybe? In the turbulent state of consciousness I was in, intuition didn’t seem very important, at least not enough to make this worthwhile.

Other earlier motives came to mind, followed by various objections, as follows:

-       As a kid, I strived to be like Prince Siddhartha who I’d read about in stories, the man who became known as the Buddha or “awakened one”, and who taught the value of meditation to awaken consciousness. Awakening may be a noble goal, but when you’re meditating upright for seven or more hours a day, sleeping and daydreaming can hold far more appeal. 

-       Meditation was also largely an act of devotion when I was younger, a way to connect with something higher than myself. There is still a big devotional part of me, but I can’t claim that it’s as strong or as purely felt as it was in childhood.

-       In my pre- and early-teens, there were some occasional experiences during meditation that made it super compelling, such as seeing swirling colours behind my closed eyes, and feeling bliss. However, those swirls and blissful states have not been consistent in my adult life.

-       During my early twenties, I discovered that meditation and mindfulness were extremely helpful in dealing with low mood. These practices were like medication for me, and so I used them daily with unwavering faith in their effectiveness (to read an article that I wrote 20 years ago about this, you can click here and scroll to page 8). Yet, my general level of happiness has improved a lot since then, so there seems less of a need for meditation specifically to lift my mood.

-       At my first Vipassana retreat, participants were taught that meditation can help to release old emotional blockages and wounds, just by sitting still and not reacting to what comes up. I believe this is true, but aren’t there easier ways to clear or manage emotional issues?

-       I remembered reading The Power of Now by Ekhart Tolle, at which time I agreed with the author’s message - that staying in the here and now is of value, powerful and important. But during the meditation course, I thought “What’s so good about now? Now hurts. Now is confusing. Now is a storm of thoughts crashing into my consciousness and I’m helpless in trying to stop them”.

-       Before I went to the retreat, a friend told me that she’d given up on meditation because it felt like a chore. “What am I missing?” she asked. I suggested that she make it more enjoyable by any means possible. How could she think of it in a way that might be more fun? While meditating on her energetic centres, for example, she could consider it as a luxurious spa treatment or bath for her body of energy. This perspective has served me well in the past, but it didn’t really work while at the retreat. Even a spa bath doesn’t feel great when you’re in it too long.

-       I do love the sense of spiritual connection that often arises during meditation. Yet, the frequency and intensity of this experience can vary, and when it’s not there at all, what else is there to motivate me to meditate?

Nourishing Spirit

The part of myself that kept asking why I meditate, while I was trying to meditate, might never understand why. That part comes from a chatty, restless corner of my mind that never wants to be still or quiet. Why would that part ever want to meditate?

People often compare meditation to cleaning a mirror to see oneself clearly, or washing dirty clothes so they become clean, or allowing the clouds to part so the sunshine of consciousness can shine through. I believe it goes beyond this, though. Meditation isn’t just about clearing things away. After three weeks of holding the question, “Why am I meditation again?”, I felt a bigger part of myself answer that – for now at least – it’s about nourishment. 

With physical food, the experience of eating can vary. Sometimes a meal is delicious. Other times it’s bland. Occasionally something tastes disgusting but is good for us anyway, like Brussels sprouts or a bitter medicine we need to take when we’re sick. Sometimes we just eat whatever’s there, because we must eat something. It’s sustenance for our body.

Meditation is sustenance for the spirit. What feels like bad, good, or neutral sessions of meditating will still feed us and cultivate spiritual growth.

Despite my inner resistance during long bouts of meditation, I do tend to look forward to meditating in the morning nowadays. For a long time, it didn’t feel that way. It felt important, but not particularly enjoyable. With practice though, it does get better overall, and it starts to feel nourishing on a mental, emotional, and spiritual level.

And just like a nourishing meal, meditation tends to be truly satisfying when we go deep enough.

Why Not?

Meditation is not necessarily for everyone, but if you’re hungry for some spiritual nourishment or growth, why not give it a go? The benefits tend to outweigh the negatives, which are usually short-lived anyway. So, instead of asking “why meditate?” (or “why am I meditating again?”), ask yourself “why not?”

I guess that anyone’s motivation for meditating is not a static thing. It might change from one moment to the next, but if the choice is made to meditate consistently regardless of how we feel about it on a particular day, then motivation doesn’t matter so much. Just do it, and the reasons for continuing it will become clear eventually.

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